Beans McToot, Mascot Emeritus

Since the university's founding in 2019 — by a hardy band of refugees from Bessarabia — Beans McToot has prowled the sidelines of Farts University, igniting crowds with a single raised limb and an aura that scouts have generously described as “spirited.” Following the Great Halftime Incident, Beans was elevated to Emeritus status — a role with all the honor of a mascot and none of the legal exposure.

Today, students rub the bronze Beans statue for luck before exams. Faculty rub it for the cardio of the ensuing sprint to fresh air.