From the Founders’ Kitchen

The Old-Country Cookbook

“A full table, a warm house, an open window.”

When our founders left Bessarabia, they carried little — but they carried the recipes. These are the dishes of the old-country kitchen: the hearty Moldovan and Ashkenazi home cooking of a borderland where cabbage, beans, cornmeal, and good wine fed everyone, and where a lively supper was simply proof the cook had done well.

Windage rating: 💨💨💨💨💨 (gentle breeze) → 💨💨💨💨💨 (consult the brass section)

The Sabbath Loaf

Challah

khale · the braided egg bread

Golden, glossy, and gently sweet, challah is the loaf that crowned every celebration of the old country. Braided from enriched dough and brushed with egg, it tears into soft, tender ribbons. The founders held that no table was truly set until the challah was on it.

You’ll needFlour, eggs, yeast, a little sugar and oil, a pinch of salt — and patience for two risings.

Founder’s note: treated with full reverence. Bake it well, share it generously, and let this one be purely lovely.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨calm seas

The Ruby Bowl

Borscht

borș · beetroot soup

A deep ruby soup of beets, simmered with onion, carrot, and a knob of cabbage, finished with a swirl of sour cream that turns it a glorious pink. Served hot in winter, cold in summer, and with feeling in all seasons. The beet, the founders insisted, is the most honest vegetable.

You’ll needBeets, cabbage, onion, carrot, potato, a splash of vinegar, sour cream, dill.

Founder’s note: the cabbage earns this bowl its first real puff of distinction.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨a freshening breeze

The Department’s Pride

Stuffed Cabbage Rolls

sarmale · holishkes

Cabbage leaves wrapped around rice and seasoned meat, nestled in a pot and braised low and slow until meltingly tender, often in a sweet-sour tomato sauce. The signature dish of the homeland and the unofficial crest of our Department of Applied Aerodynamics. Where there is cabbage, there is destiny.

You’ll needA whole cabbage, rice, ground meat, onion, tomato, a long afternoon.

Founder’s note: this is the dish that built the university. Eat boldly, seat strategically, crack a window.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨small craft advisory

The Golden Staple

Mămăligă

cornmeal polenta

Golden cornmeal mamaliga with white cheese

Cornmeal simmered and stirred into a thick golden mound, the everyday bread of Bessarabia. Served with sheep’s cheese (brânză), a spoon of sour cream, or a fried egg on top. Humble, filling, and the quiet foundation under nearly every meal the founders ever ate.

You’ll needCornmeal, water, salt, brânză or feta, sour cream.

Founder’s note: gentle on its own; a loyal companion to louder dishes.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨calm

The Founder’s Fuel

White Bean Stew

fasole bătută · the honest pot

Soft white beans cooked down with onion, carrot, and a generous hand of garlic, sometimes mashed to a rustic spread, sometimes left brothy. Cheap, nourishing, and beloved across the whole region. It carried the founders through long winters and longer faculty meetings — and gave the institution its true and lasting voice.

You’ll needWhite beans, onion, carrot, garlic, bay leaf, good olive oil.

Founder’s note: the spiritual heart of Farts University. Magnificent. Aerodynamically unmatched. You have been warned with love.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨consult the brass section

The Sweet Pudding

Lokshen Kugel

noodle pudding

Egg noodles baked with eggs, a little sweetness, and sometimes raisins into a comforting, custardy pudding with crisp golden edges. A holiday treasure and a Sunday-afternoon kindness. The founders served it warm and argued, happily, over whether raisins belong.

You’ll needEgg noodles, eggs, butter, sugar, cinnamon, raisins (optional, contentious).

Founder’s note: sweet and well-behaved, mostly.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨light airs

The Festive Pie

Plăcintă

stuffed pastry

Thin pastry folded around a filling — soft cheese, potato, cabbage, pumpkin, or apple — then pan-fried or baked until blistered and golden. The handheld joy of every market day and every festival in the old country.

You’ll needThin dough, your filling of choice, a hot pan, a watchful eye.

Founder’s note: the cabbage version, naturally, is the most spirited.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨moderate gusts

The Sweet Stew

Tzimmes

carrots, honey & dried fruit

A glossy, golden braise of carrots, prunes, and sometimes beans, sweetened with honey and warm spice until everything turns tender and jammy. To make a whole tzimmes of something, the old saying goes, is to make a big, fussy fuss — which is exactly what this dish deserves.

You’ll needCarrots, prunes, honey, cinnamon, a little orange, optionally beans.

Founder’s note: the honey soothes; the beans, should you add them, do not.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨a building southerly

To Drink

A Glass of Bessarabian Red

vin de casă · house wine

A glass and bottle of red wine in a cellar

No old-country table is complete without it. The homeland is true wine country — neighboring Moldova keeps the largest cellar on earth, some two hundred kilometers of cool limestone tunnels. Pour generously, toast the founders, and let the wine do what wine does: make the long meal merry and the company forgiving.

You’ll needOne good bottle of red, a few mismatched glasses, people you love.

Founder’s note: the only item on this menu guaranteed to settle the room rather than stir it.

Windage💨💨💨💨💨fair weather

“Eat until you are happy, then a little more.”
— the founders, at every meal

Read Our History →

Farts University is an affectionate work of comedy. The dishes above are real and beloved staples of Bessarabian, Moldovan, and Ashkenazi Jewish home cooking, offered here as a sincere tribute to a rich food tradition from a region with a long and often difficult history. The good-natured “windage” ratings are about hearty food and our fictional founders — never about any real people or community.